My oldest son, Zack, turned 12 a month ago. And for the last 3 ½ weeks, I have mysteriously morphed into an Embarrassing Person.
The timing is surely a coincidence but the affliction is real. I know this because I have been told about it, repeatedly.
Some of the evidence of this condition includes:
- Trying to touch my children in an airport;
- Singing along to “Honey, I’m Good” while in the car (which, in my defense, is an extremely catchy tune);
- Talking too loudly while in the kitchen, in my own house. [Of note: No people beyond those I grew in my stomach were present during this incident.];
- Not allowing my offspring to play on their phones for hours at a time; and
- Telling a certain child that he was acting rude.
In fairness, the complaint wasn’t just about me. His dad was deemed “scary” and we both make his world “haunted.” We were informed that he is “completely done with this.” What “this” is remains under investigation.
Although this crime log was posted on the door by the offended plaintiff, I left it on the door while our guests were over and pointed it out while giving a tour. This was, again, embarrassing.
At this point, I should give merit to these claims since further evidence shows that embarrassing behavior seems to not be skipping a generation in my bloodline.
One minor example of my parenting failure is when the same 12-year-old demonstrates his bodily sounds while dining at the family table. Any objection is usually met with “It was an accident, okay??” or “In India, farting is a compliment.”*
A recent special moment was on his 12th birthday, which we spent in Naples, Italy (the poor child). Pizza is Zack’s favorite food so we made sure to visit the well-known “sacred temple of pizza” – L’Antica Pizzeria da Michele.
With a giant pizza pie half-eaten in front of him, he declared to the waiter that it wasn’t the best pizza in the world as he would rank Domino’s first place. Um, check please.
I could go on but one day Zack might read this and then that would be, well, you get the idea…
In the meantime, I’ll be spending this summer trying to correct my laughing, singing, talking, and kissing-of-heads. My apologies in advance as I fully intend to fail in every category. It’s what I do.
*This was spoken with authority because “some guy” at school said so.